After a great day full of family time and laughs, my son looks at me with sad eyes and says “I miss my birthmom.”
I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that no matter how much I love my children, they still lost something that I can’t replace.
And I worry. Like, a lot. Because I’m a mom and that’s what we do.
How is this going to affect them? When they’re an adult, how will they look back on their childhood experiences?
I seek out adult adoptee opinions all the time. I read their blogs, I joined their facebook groups, I read the books. I’ve come to two conclusions:
- Every single adoptee processes their story differently, therefore, has a different perspective on their adoption experience. Two adoptees with identical experiences will have two very different journeys. One will say “adoption was the greatest thing that ever happened to me.” The other will say “adoption ruined my life.”
- Openness in an adoption- whether that is a truly “open” adoption or whether it’s simply honesty from adoptive parents- goes a long way in helping a child heal. This is the resounding chorus I hear from listening to so many adult adoptee experiences.
So will I ever be enough? Maybe not.
Maybe me PLUS a few things will be enough.
Me + Honesty
Me + Openness (with relationships or willingness to seek out information)
Me + Counselors
Me + Racial mirrors
Me + Whatever else he needs to process and heal.
I often have to take inventory of what I DO have to give:
- Opportunities to succeed
- Tools to process
- Space to heal
- Time to listen
- A cheering section
I have to be intentional and wreckless: intentional about helping my child process and heal. And wreckless with love and grace.
And I have to keep reminding myself that I’m not perfect. And I never will be. Love doesn’t require perfection. It says “I’ll keep trying.”
I will never be able to meet every need and soothe every hurt. I will never have that biological tie that his birthmom has. And she will never have the mommy relationship that I have. But one little boy will be surrounded by love and support on all sides.